Hi kids. Sometimes life is shit. Even at Christmas. Existence is an endless rocky road of pitfalls and murky puddles and suffering is all part of the human condition. Running helps (I’ve been running loads again, I like it). But we all deserve a break sometimes. So to celebrate, I bring you Rhalou’s Christmas Rocky Road; a special recipe guaranteed to smooth out the lumps and bumps of your shitty life and make you as high as a sugar Christmas fairy.


Step 1. Google ‘Rocky Road’. Randomly click on a recipe. I recommend Nigella Lawson’s Rocky Road Crunch Bars because Nigella oozes sexual chocolate lust, so she’s bound to know a thing or two about good Rocky Road.

Double the quantity of everything fun in it.

Then go to the supermarket. Aldi or Lidl is fine; once all that sugar is melted down none of your friends will know you opted for the cheap shit.

It’s imperative that you are starving hungry/slightly drunk during your supermarket visit so that you can peruse the chocolate aisles guilt-free, so  skip lunch.

Put the naughtiest most fattening things you can find in your shopping basket.

Go home and change into some leisure wear that you’re not afraid to get completely covered in chocolate/marshmallow/red wine vomit.

Hit the kitchen.

Suggested disco Christmas ingredients:-

  • 125 grams unsalted real butter.
  • 800 grams chocolate broken into pieces (a mixture of dark and milk is fine. Fuck it, make it 900 grams).
  • 200 grams white chocolate.
  • 3 tablespoons golden syrup.
  • 300 grams amaretto biscuits (rich tea is best for normal Rocky Road, but amaretto gives it a special Christmas kick. You can get it well cheap at Lidl).
  • 200 grams marshmallows.
  • 100g (or whatever) of glacé cherries.
  • Some random bags of chocolates. I prefer chocolate covered raisins, but whatever floats your boat.
  • One bottle of moderately expensive red wine.
  • 50g caster sugar, just for fun.
  • A bit more cocoa powder.
  • 2 teaspoons Icing sugar for dusting.
  • I have no idea where all these random capital letters have come from. It’s the stupid format. Sorry about that.

Step 2. Melt the butter, chocolate and golden syrup in a pan. Grip the spoon with both hands and lick off as much chocolate as you can while dripping it liberally on yourself. Film this and live stream it to perverts overseas to pay for all the ingredients.

Step 3. This is the festive bit. Put the amaretto biscuits into a bag and then bash them with a rolling pin. Amaretto smells like Christmas. Pretend the biscuits are someone that pissed you off recently and vent your anger on them. Even if you’re really into Christmas, you’ll still benefit from a good bit of biscuit bashing. But not too hard, you’re aiming for both crumbs and chunks of biscuits.

Step 4. Put everything in a big bowl. Add the marshmallows and the chocolate raisins and anything else distilled with the essence of sin you might find laying about the house. Shopping for mini marshmallows is a real bitch, so just get normal sized ones and cut them up with scissors. Remember to put the scissors back in the drawer without wiping them to piss off your spouse/mum/flatmate.

Step 5. Do the same with the glacé cherries. Cutting them into bits is a messy business, especially if you’re already covered in chocolate, so eat as many as you can to avoid having to put them in the bowl.

Step 6. If you haven’t already, open the wine and drink it. Don’t bother with a glass, you’re sticky enough already. Just glug straight from the bottle.

Step 6.5 Add some extra sugar and chocolate just for the hell of it.

Step 7. Spoon the gooey sexiness into a baking tray lined with baking paper. Flatten the mixture using your hands/tongue/feet.

Step 8. Melt the white chocolate and splat it liberally on top. You should be good and drunk by now. Drink the rest of the melted white chocolate, or rub it on yourself. It’s okay if your Rocky Road looks like road kill. Life is a rocky road and your dessert should reflect your inner turmoil.

Step 9. Feel free to add more shit on top of your Rocky Road if the mood takes you. I was going to put chocolate stars on it but I ran out of money.

Step 10. Refrigerate your tray of disco delights overnight. If you’re pissed enough, you’ll have no recollection of making it and it’ll be a lovely breakfast surprise for you.

Step 11. Wake up, drink a Bloody Mary and cut your rock hard Rocky Road into fingers. This is not as easy as it sounds as it’ll be really bloody hard by now, so use a massive knife. Then dust lovingly with icing sugar.

Step 12. Give a couple of fingers to your friends and loved ones, but save most of it for yourself.

Step 13. Get really drunk/high and gorge on Rocky Road until you feel so sick you have to run a marathon just to burn off the sugar.

Merry Christmas sexy monkeys x x