Diet blogs are usually as interesting as reading about homemade enemas, organic childbirth or wounded baby animals. No one gives a shit about how fat or how thin you are and no one wants to look at pictures of injured fluffy pigeons.
We just don’t care about the biochemical meat paste you’ve been ingesting in your secret pagan moonlit weight-loss rituals and we definitely don’t want to see pictorial evidence. Diets suck. Who wants to read the ugly truth about the tedious daily grind of starving yourself in your bid to fit into your skinny jeans? People really only want to hear about miracle cures and then look at pictures of cats dressed as humans.
This makes me a terrible hypocrite because, for the next few hundred words, I’m going to wow you all with the tale of One pitta one pot. In my defence, I’ve got sod all else to write about right now because I’ve been working really hard and it’s winter. Look away if dietary tips don’t shake your tail feather. At least I’m not posting pictures of dead sparrows.
Not to be confused with Two girls one cup, One pitta one pot is the sexy new diet that has inadvertently changed my life. Okay that’s a total lie. But it has affected me enough to persuade me to write a whole blog about it. It must be really sexy.
I loathe people that go on about fat loss and I try really hard not to read magazines that encourage us all to agonise about our weight every month. I like people of all shapes and sizes and I really don’t give a shit about the size of your ass.
But the fact is I am much happier when I am not fat. I feel good about myself, my clothes fit better, I look hotter naked and I get laid more. My eternal pursuit of not being fat makes good business sense. Being a short-ass with a stubborn metabolism, I gain weight if I so much as sniff a chip, so staying slim has always been a bit of a challenge. This is why running is so important to me. Not being able to run cocks everything up. Death to the evil IT band and its all-consuming powers.
I’ve been plagued by my recurring leg injury for months now and haven’t been doing very much running. Combine that with riding my new scooter everywhere, having to squeeze all of my flesh into a pathetic 5 foot 3 inch frame, and being in a relatively new relationship which always comes with additional weight, and I was slowly morphing into a little fat girl.
Nine months into my new country life (NINE! That’s nearly a year off soul-geldingly evil fashion magazines, sweaty tube journeys and £8 pints of lager, Rhalelujah) and my transformation into ultra fit country girl was long overdue.
Step in Ultraboy and his obsessive approach to pretty much every area of his life. It comes with the territory; you have to be a bit fanatical to run ultra marathons. He’s recently been recovering from shoulder surgery and has also started to get a little bigger round the middle. I think he’s still sexy as all hell, but I understand the motivation to keep fit.
In his words: “You just can’t do any of the sports I enjoy and be fat.”
Along with running, kayaking and rock climbing are his two favourite pastimes, so he does kind of have a point. So when Ultraboy decided to inadvertently put me on a diet, because basically I eat what he eats, I was forced to stick to the rigidity of his routine.
Ultraboy does nothing by halves. When he runs, it’s a 100 miles across the dessert, when he kayaks, it’s grade 5 waterfalls, and when he diets, it’s lentils and thin air all the way. Fortunately his latest fanatical project has actually worked, so I’ve decided to share it with you all. I haven’t been this happy about my body since discovering the rave scene back in 1995. Oh those halcyon days.
One pitta one pot is pretty straightforward. Basically, every night for dinner we only eat food that fits inside a wholemeal pitta and is cooked using one single pot. Theoretically you could squeeze whatever the hell you like in there, but we happen to be vegetarian (me 100%, Ultraboy 96%) and we actually like healthy shit, so our diet has mainly consisted of vegetables, beans, pulses, quinoa and some eggs and cheese.
We follow this routine to the letter every night from Monday to Friday and then come the weekend, we eat whatever the hell we like. Apparently the rest days are integral to the diet, as that way your body doesn’t grow accustomed to the reduced calorie intake and start adjusting. This might be bollocks though, I’m no expert. I couldn’t see how I could lose weight and still eat pizza and cake for two days a week, but the extra pounds I grew on my ass have disappeared and I haven’t once felt hungry or even thought much about food for weeks now.
It helps that Ultraboy does most of the cooking. It’s easier to eat what’s in front of you if you don’t have to think about it. So I recommend followers of the One pitta one pot diet find a willing love slave or fanatical extreme sports enthusiast to produce your pitta-sized dinners for you.
Admittedly this diet might suck if you were running a lot, which we’re not currently, but otherwise it is brilliant and everyone in our house looks well sexy with their clothes off.
Please note: Rhalou is not a dietician or a miracle worker. If you follow the One pitta one pot diet and do not achieve the desired results, sorry about that.