Why running sucks

Originally published on The Running Bug

Runners; you see them everywhere, looking healthy and happy in skin-tight Lycra. Don’t you just hate them? Here are 7 reasons why running sucks.

Runners are annoyingly happy

Those Lycra-clad shiny, happy people racing past you on your way to the pub? They look smug because they’re high on endorphins. Isn’t it sickening? Who would want to be that happy AND self-assured? Trip them up and order extra scampi with your chips. Running sucks.

Runners come in packs

On your way to the kebab shop, there’s nothing worse than a pack of chirpy runners taking over the pavement and blocking your path. Look at them, chatting happily with their running pals, combining fitness with social fun. Packs of merry runners are a scourge of the landscape. Go home to your cat and eat your kebab in peace away from those sociable weirdoes.

Runners are over-confident

You’re casually hovering by the biscuit tin in the office guiltily stuffing your face with two bourbon creams when Adam from accounts hovers past you looking supremely confident, before boasting about his recent half marathon PB. He then eats half the biscuit tin, followed by two bananas, a slice of cold pizza, a Wagon Wheel and a BLT sandwich, and he’s still leaner than a racehorse. You know all the runners in the office because they’re the assertive, successful ones who talk endlessly about running and eat three lunches. Sickening.

Runners sleep better

You can spot an annoying runner a mile off, because they skip into work looking alert and cheerful while you grapple with the coffee machine. Even worse are the run-commuters, who complete their 10K run at the crack of dawn and achieve more before breakfast than you do in a week. Stick to your guns, press that snooze button and stay in bed. Running sucks.

Runners look hot

There really is nothing worse than a healthy, happy runner cruising past you in skin-tight Lycra, with a well-toned derriere and thighs of steel. And they manage to make floral patterned sportswear look cool. How dare they look so fabulous? It’s an affront to public decency and should be banned.

Runners have goals

The most annoying thing about runners? They have their entire year carefully mapped out, with every single hill sprint scheduled in and a juicy race day goal to work towards. What a bore. And don’t even get us started on parkrun. Why haul yourself out of bed to sprint for 5K and start the weekend feeling empowered, when it makes much more sense to sleep off your killer hangover? Losers.

Runners make great friends

While sensible people sit on Candy Crush, when they’re not out getting sweaty, running weirdoes waste their lives on social networks like The Running Bug, making lifelong friends, swapping running tips and inspiring each other to fulfil their dreams. We told you running sucks.