Rhalou’s Running Commandments

In response to the Guardian’s article this week ‘Running etiquette: the 10 commandments’ I bring you Rhalou’s Running Commandments. Stick to my rules and your life will dramatically improve and you’ll run better and get laid more.

1.    Thou shalt not read sanctimonious lists on the Guardian website telling you what you should and should not do. Running is your time. There are enough rules and regulations imposed on us in daily life as it is. Running is the one part of our day when we should be free to do what the hell we like. Screw the rules, FIGHT THE POWER, run however the hell you want and don’t let anyone tell you what to do. Etiquette is for boardrooms and tea with your grandma, running is the one opportunity in life to act like the wild beast that you really are. (But do read to the bottom of my list because I wrote it especially for you).

2.    Thou shalt not nod at every single runner you see. A secret nod and a Freemason finger wiggle might have been cool five years ago when you really were part of a secret running cult and only saw three other runners on the road. But these days every other fucker is out there. If you nodded hello at every single runner you passed, you’d get a crick neck. And let’s be honest, sometimes you’re in a serious mood, or listening to Chaka Khan intently on your iPod, and you don’t want to wave hello at every sweaty bastard that passes you by. Save your secret running smile for the really hot runners that you’d like to have sex with. Sod the rest, focus on your game. This is your time and not a social networking event.

3.    Thou shalt run naked and free. If you get the sudden urge to remove your clothes, do it. Rip your restrictive running gear off and flaunt your flesh to the world. What is the point in being a hot sexy runner if you can’t flash your chiselled body? If the public don’t like it, they can look away. With only a few short weeks of sunshine in this country every year, it’s also vital that we expose our white bits to the world to receive maximum vitamin D. Everyone should spend more time running naked, it’s good for the soul. If everyone was nude all the time, imagine how much harder and better we’d all run? As we wouldn’t be able to hide under our clothes so we’d all want to maintain our sexy bodies.

4.    Thou shalt sweat freely. People sweat. It’s a fact of life. It’s not going to kill you. We did not pop into this world through a tightly sealed tube into a vacuum packed Tupperware house complete with sanitary wipes. Life is messy, sweat is sexy, running makes you look dishevelled and messy and pink and the sooner society embraces this reality and accepts fresh run sweat as the distilled essence of the gods, the better. Run free, let your sweat rain down upon the world, and be yourself. If your neighbours don’t want to be sweated on, they can step aside. Our sweat and tears are clouds and rivers and the sea and we are destined to return to the earth, so let the saltwater flow from your sexy body in style.

5.    Thou shalt be totally unrealistic on race day. Running is supposed to be fun. If we all stuck to our predetermined pens in life, it would be bloody boring. Pull on your tutu, wade through the crowds to the front section, push those pesky elite runners aside, and enjoy your moment. You may only be up front for two minutes and will possibly have to spend the rest of your race waddling behind a man in a giant turnip costume, but who cares. You pay your taxes, you bought your extortionate race place, your trained your ass off all year; you should be able to run wherever the hell you want and do it with pride.